LOL

 17/06/2010

I have mixed emotions when I receive Father’s Day gifts. I’m glad my children remember me, but I’m dissappointed that they actually think I dress that way.

19/06/2010

An elderly man visits the doctor for a check up. “Mr. Smith, you’re in great shape,” says the doctor. “How do you do it?” “Well,” says Mr. Smith, “I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, and the good Lord looks out for me. For weeks now, every time I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, he turns the light on for me.” Concerned, the doctor finds Mrs. Smith in the waiting room and tells her what her husband said.

 ”I don’t think that’s anything to worry about,” she says. “And on the brightside, it does explain who’s been peeing in the fridge.”

20/06/2010

The nice thing about meditation is that it makes doing nothing respectable.

23/06/2010

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside & said, ‘I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.’
‘Me neither doc,’ said the husband.
‘But she’s a great cook & really good with the kids.’

28/06/2010

There was a typo on a test I was taking. Instead of “(D) none of the above,” it said “(D) one of the above.” So I circled it!

30/06/2010

Suspecting he had a serious medical condition, I nagged my husband until he agreed to see a doctor. Once there, he was handed a mountain of forms to fill out. Next to “Reason for visit?” he wrote, “My wife made me.”

08/07/2010

 I think sleeping was my problem in school. If school had started at four in the afternoon, I’d be a college graduate today!

George Foreman

18/07/2010

 Spotted outside a church in Michigan: “Honk if you love Jesus. Keep on texting while you drive if you want to meet him.”

20/08/2010

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.  Tearfully, she explained, ‘It’s the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call 30 times before he would even answer the phone.’   Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.
Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, ‘Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning, the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I’d locked the house with both house and car keys in side and had to break a window to get my keys. ‘Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.’ ‘When I finally got to the store, a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people.
 All the time, the darn phone was ringing off the hook.’ He continued, ‘Then, I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels, and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke..’
 ’Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
  And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.
  _____________________